photos aren’t working for me tonight. anyway.

on and off, it’s like standing in front of a closed curtain, an imposing velvet blood red curtain, knowing that any second now the curtains will split from top down and sweep aside, exposing you to the mass of clothed, disconnected souls. i have a few opening lines given, and these i will perform, but ahead of these, the plot i do not know. i have an inkling of the themes, and the Director’s expectation of me, but He knows me better than myself and i am so afraid i will fail, when there’s so much at stake. i know there’s grace, but failure would mean i would have let my fellow cast and audience down, and they are more important to me than i am myself.

don’t tell me to go back to new zealand!- do you think i wouldn’t have, if not for a burden i carry? there is so much that i am willing to give, just to go back to both wellington and the entire south island, but there is a greater cause here that i am afraid not to heed.
having done the better thing doesn’t make the other option any less beautiful. He gave me a choice in this, i am very sure of that. i returned.

i am nervous. the year looms big and large, and the thing is, i want to make it as big and as large as i can, to make sure, so, so sure, that i make the leaving, count. for very ounce, ounce, that i miss the beauty and my friends, i want to make sure, so, so, sure, that that ounce is returned and counted for, in blessing someone else, in this burden that i have, so that the leaving would not have been in vain.

but i am tense, and worrying over the upcoming camp that i am doing in the first week of january, to fund (partially) my kinabalu climb in the week after. i don’t know how i will find the strength, or the light to shine.

it’s 3.20am now, according to my laptop. but that will only be true in singapore, five hours later.

i’m legally obliged to tell you i have sleep panic disorder

i thought i’d put up a home photo, since it’s already obvious that i am and have been back for some time now. this is the annual 87ers christmas dinner at hokkaido complete with retarded faces and. sashimi ftw! i think we ordered at least 15 plates, which works out to almost one plate/person. but i think i ate more than one plate’s worth, amongst other dishes like them peas and eggy fish.

i have been quite happy to be back. stop asking me if i miss new zealand, please. parents and i just concluded an artsy china film on zhou zhou. mom and i bawled away, dad got distracted in his wiring. i heart my parents. they pretend they don’t want my honey milk pearl tea, then finish it for me.

i (also) <3 text messages that tell me i am thought of. don’t you dare die in ns now.

was at sweet|salty|spicy yesterday, seriously don’t go there man. had some glorified kway teow noodle soup that made me totally queasy and aggravated my for-today bus sickness to the point that i had to be rescued. so much for my attempts to be considerate.

am happy to be back. okay update over. off for my sunday Alone Time now. discovered in nz and self-imposed. here’s to a saner self cheers. botanic gardens tomorrow!

someplace in nelson, upstream from a sister’s ashes and her tree

silly heart, you care too much for those that do not love you back.

i wish my words were a mighty river, thousand strong and fast a’flowing

but all i have is a picture of a sky, a lake and some mountains.

tonight, i give up on words.
my thoughts will gather like the Nelson Lakes.

walking towards fox glacier, new zealand

1. picked titus up today, it was nice welcoming somebody back, knowing it was appreciated, so even if lucas liz and i waited an hour and a half it was still alright. funny though, singaporeans really aren’t into acts of affection. i didn’t give titus a welcome hug, and something definitely feels missing.

2. i have maybe 35 dresses, and too many tops to count. mother says that’s alright, because i still have a year and a half of school and her daughter needs to look good. i <3 my mum.

3. yf camp is over. mmm.

4. i’ll talk about new zealand when the words come, one day.

i asked the mountains to marry me

 

but before they could answer i left on a jet plane.

 

song on repeat: quiet, by rachael yamagata

words from another place

it’s not so bad this time, my news. it seems that i have found grace enough to be sad, as purely sad is.

i’m missing my boys, just purely missing them not, not delving into the pasts of twisted hearts and misunderstandings, but just.. missing them, as they were to me, before it started.

and i wish they miss me too.

“the mountains are home”

                           and i am missing the moutains now, with all my heart, with an ache that makes me turn to the side of my bed at night, and cry.

currently drained

so i’m flying off to christchurch tonight.

am not sure who to expect coming from the airport doors tomorrow. here i announce that i have generally lost some of my flippancy and energy in the past few days. it’s like my body’s physically preparing itself for the mental battle that- what, i don’t know. a certain someone commented that i seem to be ‘dreading’ the next few days and dreading is a good enough word, for now.

now i see so clearly that sin spoils friendships, and more than spoils it ruins them. i feel like an apple that has been scratched some time ago; the rawness has dried up and withered a little, dry and puckered around the edges. an inward shudder- such a horrible image. i tend to beat myself up over it but am reminded of the book gina lent me, where it is declared that the Lamb’s blood is shed even for me, and i must believe that it can cleanse me too.

i have been mulling over the forgiving of self, and empowerment these past few days. and mmm, redirection of temptation, which is tied up (for me at least) to empowerment. i would be an excited girl at these new weapons and tools against satan, running my hands along the steelwork and griping them in anticipation for the next battle but (here it comes) but i am still wounded from the last encounter. i am tired.

and: i can only type out letters and characters here which do not convey to any extent the debt of gratefulness i owe towards gina. for urging me to fly down (or ferry, rather,) and opening her home as a place of refuge, and wordlessly becoming my accountability partner. for her guidence, and words of wisdom i would not trade for anything else in the world (not even a fully paid exchange stint to mexico/argentina/europe/outerspace!)

as i sit here and reflect over these things, i know know that somehow, the next step Can be joyfully endured. it can of course be simply endured, and gotten through, the way i have done for so many times now, a silent gritting of the teeth and unshed tears at each trial
but this time i will try to endure it the best way i can.