currently drained
December 1, 2008
so i’m flying off to christchurch tonight.
am not sure who to expect coming from the airport doors tomorrow. here i announce that i have generally lost some of my flippancy and energy in the past few days. it’s like my body’s physically preparing itself for the mental battle that- what, i don’t know. a certain someone commented that i seem to be ‘dreading’ the next few days and dreading is a good enough word, for now.
now i see so clearly that sin spoils friendships, and more than spoils it ruins them. i feel like an apple that has been scratched some time ago; the rawness has dried up and withered a little, dry and puckered around the edges. an inward shudder- such a horrible image. i tend to beat myself up over it but am reminded of the book gina lent me, where it is declared that the Lamb’s blood is shed even for me, and i must believe that it can cleanse me too.
i have been mulling over the forgiving of self, and empowerment these past few days. and mmm, redirection of temptation, which is tied up (for me at least) to empowerment. i would be an excited girl at these new weapons and tools against satan, running my hands along the steelwork and griping them in anticipation for the next battle but (here it comes) but i am still wounded from the last encounter. i am tired.
and: i can only type out letters and characters here which do not convey to any extent the debt of gratefulness i owe towards gina. for urging me to fly down (or ferry, rather,) and opening her home as a place of refuge, and wordlessly becoming my accountability partner. for her guidence, and words of wisdom i would not trade for anything else in the world (not even a fully paid exchange stint to mexico/argentina/europe/outerspace!)
as i sit here and reflect over these things, i know know that somehow, the next step Can be joyfully endured. it can of course be simply endured, and gotten through, the way i have done for so many times now, a silent gritting of the teeth and unshed tears at each trial
but this time i will try to endure it the best way i can.
