photos aren’t working for me tonight. anyway.

on and off, it’s like standing in front of a closed curtain, an imposing velvet blood red curtain, knowing that any second now the curtains will split from top down and sweep aside, exposing you to the mass of clothed, disconnected souls. i have a few opening lines given, and these i will perform, but ahead of these, the plot i do not know. i have an inkling of the themes, and the Director’s expectation of me, but He knows me better than myself and i am so afraid i will fail, when there’s so much at stake. i know there’s grace, but failure would mean i would have let my fellow cast and audience down, and they are more important to me than i am myself.

don’t tell me to go back to new zealand!- do you think i wouldn’t have, if not for a burden i carry? there is so much that i am willing to give, just to go back to both wellington and the entire south island, but there is a greater cause here that i am afraid not to heed.
having done the better thing doesn’t make the other option any less beautiful. He gave me a choice in this, i am very sure of that. i returned.

i am nervous. the year looms big and large, and the thing is, i want to make it as big and as large as i can, to make sure, so, so sure, that i make the leaving, count. for very ounce, ounce, that i miss the beauty and my friends, i want to make sure, so, so, sure, that that ounce is returned and counted for, in blessing someone else, in this burden that i have, so that the leaving would not have been in vain.

but i am tense, and worrying over the upcoming camp that i am doing in the first week of january, to fund (partially) my kinabalu climb in the week after. i don’t know how i will find the strength, or the light to shine.

it’s 3.20am now, according to my laptop. but that will only be true in singapore, five hours later.