i am up because aik didn’t wake me from my afternoon nap just now

his defence: “but you were sleeping so shuang, it was a… sin to wake you up” (lim, 2009).

and well he did make up for it with extra yakult, and very very yummy chocolate so i was somewhat molified. but still.
here’s an absolute love video that boey sent me. <3

k i tried to embedd it but no go so ohwell
/edit: the “ohwell” is a link to the video! hahaha

alright, going to try sleep soon =Pp

these are a few of my desired things: a list

okay, am happy i found a secretive way to snuffle around doingthekiwi. goodo. (you can also leave a little shoutout here, just so i know you’ve been smart enough to figure the little portakey link!)

am supposed to have been sleeping ages ago, but girlfriend’s upset so shall stay up. girlfriend is veh impt. and make a list in the meantime.

1. to spend summer reading, and reading, and reading. hopefully under a tree, under a big blue sky <3
2. go zoo
3. paint room!
4. underwater world too please
5. finish annie dillard’s pilgrim at tinker’s creek

i know there’s more, but i’m really too sleepy. also suspect the photo i uploaded for this photo is megazorb big. <3 shall publish this, and see.

hoho, i hope this works :)

this is a test post of sorts. playing about with wordpress options. if this does what i want it to, i will be highly pleased. test test

*

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
pierced my eyebrow

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
pencil drawings, scribblings, photos, cards

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
talk when i’m really tired heh

4. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to be in a certain other country

5. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
hmmm! idk man, probably some place that has significance to my partner and i. anddd. the guy had better ask my parents first!

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
HUNDRED PLUS D

17. FAVORITE CLOTHING?
dresses!

18. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
i highly doubt it. then again.. well it really isn’t worth it.

19. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SCENT?
light blue, for me. and danny still needs to tell me what he wears!

20. FAVORITE QUOTE?
go check my fb profile there’re a lot!

21. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
dude, i AM out of the us.

22. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no (

23. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
fish! pretty bright fish in pretty little glass. please. andandand. the zoo.

24. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
4! Or 5.
genesis, sunshine, and an androgynous name like andy (if the baby’s a girl). or alexis. okay there you go, 4 names. but they’ll all have chinese names, def.

25. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
for now, i guess it’s how some of them think they have the answer and the plan, all the time. you see i don’t actually want your answer and your plan.

26. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
hrmm. my distance i guess. i get very little of that now.

27. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
hrmm. i’m still figuring this one out. nothing set in stone, i guess. i’ve come to learn that rules never quite work out. but here are some definites (if i had my way):
a. has to be singaporean, born and bred. i love singlish too much. and can you imagine marrying someone who doesn’t know, and you have to speak standardised english for the rest of your life?? ggxx ttm manx.
b. has to love God more than he loves me. this point was learnt the hard way, when my mom was trying to tell me how a guy i was involved with in a certain point of my life, would never be able to love me the best way if he didn’t know the God i know. didn’t go down well with me then, as can be imagined. i didn’t like the truth in it.
c. stability. verryyy verrryyyyy important dey. i’m going to work out all the issues in my life first, then make the choice to love someone who’s worked out his issues too.
okay haha feeling a bit vulnerable now. so much for test post.

28. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
rach, rachie, chel, ting, carrot, silly bean, pumpkin pie, babe and oh. ditz, bimbo, airhead, variations of the same theme. pixie was one of the firsts.

29. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
muse over my philo text. not too bad

30. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
how old?

31. LAST THING YOU ATE?
ginko nut with barley, popiah, mushrooms, salmon.

32. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
ooh, many things :OO

33. FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR?
<3s singapore weather

34. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
black with highlights i am not sure exist anymore.

35. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
i love sushi. sorry matthewwww (if you’re reading this).

36. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
ginko nut with barley and taukee, and popiah. the popiah stall had a cert in front of it, smth about “culinary excellence in popiah” HAHA. gotta love singapore.

37 WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
i used to think i would like to, like do the laundry, bake, cook and stuff like that. but increasingly i think i’m called to other things too.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
church history- in layman terms.
i’ve had to limit myself for the past couple of weeks now. wait till the exams are over okay, i’ll spam and you will only be able to find me in the library <3 not more nose in the laptop!

39. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
eventful. it’s always been eventful.

it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness/we had everything before us, we had nothing before us

hullo, i know i’ve been away for awhile. and i think i will be, for awhile more.
and i might be moving, after i’ve thought a little more. will announce change of address though, definitely. doingthekiwi is very precious to me, not least because it was a site of memory while i fell in love with new zealand. but perhaps it’s time to strike new ground.

my personal easter weekend

edit: the past month has been testing in ways and in intensities i can’t remember ever having gone through before. but they have not been in vain, they will not be in vain. here’s a particularly poignant lesson i went through:

*
Friday-
i was asked out to lunch + whole day time together, some time ago. it was supposed to have happened today.

this is what happened: i waited till close to five, then went home. slept, because i hadn’t had much sleep the night before, and called at 945, because there had been no reply to my text and stuff. to find out what had happened.

this is what happened: person went for lunch with family, went home, went online, fell asleep, because said person hadn’t had much sleep the night before, and woke up past dinner.

When I found out how our days had been respectively spent, all that was on repeat in my mind was, do i mean so little to you?

*

While doing qt, I realised something- that God’s been stood up too, far worse than I have. He’s been stood up time after time, waiting by Himself for us to come to Him, to talk and catch up, because we haven’t met in ages. And like how today was supposed to have been a special day between the two of us, because we had been apart for so long, and had been exchanging texts reminding each other that today was coming, counting the days down.. in the same way, on similarly special days like our birthdays, I realised that God must have been waiting like I have been for the past few weeks, counting down to the days, missing the person, wanting to see the person, and wondering how, when i would finally see him, hear his voice, imagining how it would be- would we speak first? smile? what would we say? I had been waiting and waiting, and so had God, on every year of my birthday. It would have been special, the passing of a time mark. He must have been eagerly anticipating, hoping, wanting so much to see me, hear my voice, telling Him about the time that I had spent, what I had done, reflecting and being with Him, each birthday of my life.

But year after year He waits in vain. I never go to Him, He who loves me better than I do myself. I never talk with Him about the time that had passed, the lessons I have learnt, the person I have grown towards. But still He loves me. His love is gentle, patient and consistent. It is not vindictive, it is not self-seeking. Year after year He waits on.

He makes Himself vulnerable. He makes Himself vulnerable. He reopens His heart to me. And more than that, most of all, He’s still willing to stay in this. He doesn’t give up on me, doesn’t walk away even when I’ve hurt Him to the core. He says, I’m with you on this, I’ll stick this out. Let’s try again. In spite of His pain. The pain I caused. He still comes back to me. He has no pride of His own when it comes to me. He’s willing to stay, He’s willing still to love, even when I’ve walked away, me. He doesn’t count my wrongs, He doesn’t add what He’s done against what I’ve done, and calculate. -laughs- And in any case how can I ever measure up against a love that would die for me.

*
Sunday-
So. Having realised what a jerk (no other word) I’ve been to God all the while, while He takes it in, still loving me- there’s no way I can stay in that love, and turn away from my friend.

I’ve been looking around at various other wordpresses, blogs and livejournals, and it seems that for this easter weekend, the common echo is that we have remembered His love. His love, His sacrifice, His God-ness. Remembered, and expressed in worship for all to see.

*

Me, I’m worshipping too.

our lives are not our own, part 2

Just so we’re consistent:

but rach, how do our lives become tangibly our own when they are Christ’s? aren’t we always subject to the wisdom of others that we do not have? inside, inside, wholly free -yes. but not in our physical, tangible, heart-wrenching decisions. these always play out in the context the greater whole. some things make my heart sing, but the other tunes piped out drown out and mute the tune i want to sing. we never make decisions without consideration of others, because the outcome of those decision never affect us alone. perhaps there is freedom in Christ in this consideration of others. when can we ever decide for ourselves without consideration? i don’t wish for a big change…i just wish to be content -a field, a big sky, and happy being challenged. i think i’d be happy not knowing the answer, and just musing and letting the extraordinary mind muse along. happy being challenged.

When can we ever decide for ourselves without consideration?
I think it does when we’re a little wiser, a little better able to understand. And maybe some of the signs of readyness will be: a heart that beats for others, a life lived for something greater than ourselves.

When that happens, we’ll know.
And when that time comes, if we find someone who makes us happy, who brings out the better person in us, we’ll choose him.

And all the rest can lie.

for the tears God keeps

erica says:
can we ever worship God in complete purity here on earth?

chel says:
complete understanding, no.
complete wholeness, no.
but, complete purity…
i have hope that sometimes, we do.

standing before the mountains
trying to comprehend
knowing that my mind is going to explode

being with another person
maybe
praying with someone about a child
and begging God
when there is nothing we can give

our tears, dear, our tears for the world
for the wholeness that we grieve to see
or, grieve that we might see

erica says:
it makes me smile to remember that the psalmist says that God knows all our tears. and he puts them in a bottle.
i wonder how many bottles there must be for this week…
maybe to God our tears come in different shades
like, categories. tears of self-pity, tears for imperfection..

chel says:
tears for our pain
tears over the silly mistakes we’ve made
words spoken in anger, made to regret later..

erica says:
nods. tears for those who grieve without hope.
tears for frustration. for not meeting standards. for conflict.

chel says:
for confusion, for un-understandings, for misunderstandings, both on our part and on our others’.

erica says:
for tiredness and weariness, for emptiness. for days without sun.

chel says:
yes. for days we feel to have failed, for people we think we have let down. for youths we seem unable to reach out to.

erica says:
for students who reach out to us. happy tears.

chel says:
for the times our mentor/coach looks at us and says, you’ve made it

erica says:
and for the times we could say that to others.

________

dear God, i think erica and i are on that step of being made ready. and we know You keep our tears.

.

you have a heart that touches me

today, i received a gift. it was a drawing.

it must have taken hours, filling up a blank piece of paper with images and meanings. from nothing, to the first rain (tear?) drop of water, to the sea, the waves, and then shading the entire piece, to make water. and the palm on which a body is curled upon, maybe exhausted, maybe hurting, but finding rest.

i wish alfredo’s (my laptop) bluetooth was working, then i would capture a piece of your thoughts for me and show the world.

thank you… for coming back in my life, after four years. for caring when i am sad. you really are a special person, matt. i have been blessed.