my personal easter weekend

edit: the past month has been testing in ways and in intensities i can’t remember ever having gone through before. but they have not been in vain, they will not be in vain. here’s a particularly poignant lesson i went through:

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Friday-
i was asked out to lunch + whole day time together, some time ago. it was supposed to have happened today.

this is what happened: i waited till close to five, then went home. slept, because i hadn’t had much sleep the night before, and called at 945, because there had been no reply to my text and stuff. to find out what had happened.

this is what happened: person went for lunch with family, went home, went online, fell asleep, because said person hadn’t had much sleep the night before, and woke up past dinner.

When I found out how our days had been respectively spent, all that was on repeat in my mind was, do i mean so little to you?

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While doing qt, I realised something- that God’s been stood up too, far worse than I have. He’s been stood up time after time, waiting by Himself for us to come to Him, to talk and catch up, because we haven’t met in ages. And like how today was supposed to have been a special day between the two of us, because we had been apart for so long, and had been exchanging texts reminding each other that today was coming, counting the days down.. in the same way, on similarly special days like our birthdays, I realised that God must have been waiting like I have been for the past few weeks, counting down to the days, missing the person, wanting to see the person, and wondering how, when i would finally see him, hear his voice, imagining how it would be- would we speak first? smile? what would we say? I had been waiting and waiting, and so had God, on every year of my birthday. It would have been special, the passing of a time mark. He must have been eagerly anticipating, hoping, wanting so much to see me, hear my voice, telling Him about the time that I had spent, what I had done, reflecting and being with Him, each birthday of my life.

But year after year He waits in vain. I never go to Him, He who loves me better than I do myself. I never talk with Him about the time that had passed, the lessons I have learnt, the person I have grown towards. But still He loves me. His love is gentle, patient and consistent. It is not vindictive, it is not self-seeking. Year after year He waits on.

He makes Himself vulnerable. He makes Himself vulnerable. He reopens His heart to me. And more than that, most of all, He’s still willing to stay in this. He doesn’t give up on me, doesn’t walk away even when I’ve hurt Him to the core. He says, I’m with you on this, I’ll stick this out. Let’s try again. In spite of His pain. The pain I caused. He still comes back to me. He has no pride of His own when it comes to me. He’s willing to stay, He’s willing still to love, even when I’ve walked away, me. He doesn’t count my wrongs, He doesn’t add what He’s done against what I’ve done, and calculate. -laughs- And in any case how can I ever measure up against a love that would die for me.

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Sunday-
So. Having realised what a jerk (no other word) I’ve been to God all the while, while He takes it in, still loving me- there’s no way I can stay in that love, and turn away from my friend.

I’ve been looking around at various other wordpresses, blogs and livejournals, and it seems that for this easter weekend, the common echo is that we have remembered His love. His love, His sacrifice, His God-ness. Remembered, and expressed in worship for all to see.

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Me, I’m worshipping too.